Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.