Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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