I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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