My nipple is on Facebook.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
