my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
