Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
