just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I love having hate sex.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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