Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
