Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
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