Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
