omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
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