I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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