Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
