I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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