i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I think I won the penis lottery.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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