Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
