I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
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So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
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We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize