Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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