I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
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My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
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You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize