one might say we're banned from that church
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It was a blind-side dick pic.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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