Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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