Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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