i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
