i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
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When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
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btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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