I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
