were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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