...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
