dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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