The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
