4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
