beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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