another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
