and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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