I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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