I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
