I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
