i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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