I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
