Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
