Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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