i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
