worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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