I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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