i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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