If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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