just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes