Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.