someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
