11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
do herpes really smell.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
