i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
