i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
