So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Drunk is not a location!
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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