i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
