how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
