I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
